I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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