Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
