just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize