so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There r osticjed everywhere
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
