Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
