So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
