remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
