so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize