we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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