New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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