I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
