This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
