Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize