if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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