she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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