Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
