I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The uberlube is also flammable
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Couch. On fire.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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