Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
