I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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