How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i drank out of a bidet.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
