We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
