so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
