if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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