I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
not ubering you a puppy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
