I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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