so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
