i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
