i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
