You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
