Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
