I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
