Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
