he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
