somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
