I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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