I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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