my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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