woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
