im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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