saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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