My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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