i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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