I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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