Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
