My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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