if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think people are normalizing furries
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize