the condom got lost in my hair
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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