I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
