I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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