Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was born a porn star she said
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
