Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
