sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
