FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
