Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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