I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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