Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
