I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
