The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
