Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
