My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
