You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
