Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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