Just fell off a train. Bad.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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